HURT { I didn’t hunt it this time. }

Why when I make a silent vow to myself and take action to grow away from a person is it then the exact moment they reach out to me?

God is always challenging me to continue to go within; depth deepens and leaves its trail, like a kidney stone carving an exit. Excruciating.

Women from all angles.

Sometimes I cave; they have a piece of me whether known or not.

I’ve always given of myself too freely..

We’re connected + I miss her, but I can’t.
She’s in a relationship, yet I’m weak.
She’s from my past, and the past cannot change.
She’s gone.. In the grips of a progressive illness.

FUCK.

I can’t control myself.

It takes everything in me not to respond.

My raging reactive thoughts aren’t shared, for safety.. For another, and my self-esteem once there’s been an annihilation.

Still powerless.

“Hey. Why do you ignore me? Can we talk soon?” -A

You must be drunk.

What are we going to talk about? ..Why you said you didn’t see a future with me? Why you’ve taken my best friend away?

Sometimes bridges are meant to be burned and not restored.

I was in love with the idea of you.

The glamorous lifestyle, your sex appeal, our perfect little sober family..

Ambition.
Pride.
Ego.

SHIT.

All for not.

I was fully committed for what?

Faith?

Authentic relationships develop and unfold, they don’t go running back to their drug dealer for a false sense of self and gross validation.

Judgement.

I will not be swept under a rug.

Fear.

And the beauty of another cannot fill the void that I tried to fill with you.

Truth.

Flashbacks haunt me.

The fun we had makes me sick.

Change is gradual, but it feels like I lost you so suddenly.

Did we really know each other?

In hindsight, some say I dodged a bullet.

Babe, I would have taken that bullet.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” -Anonymous