it’s a new day.

peace be still

please peace

be still my thoughts

a quiet mind tonight

her voice

lingering safe

holding comfortably

my heart

beating still

thank you god

only now is reality real

finally clear

another miracle

awaken this truth

for it goes noticed

untouched by ego

momentous freedom

carry me for all my days

baby

me

inner woven depth

unlock the armor

trapped by choice

only you

that is all there is

handed faith

spoken soft

still

tonight is here

rest well

be well

tonight

remembrance

embraced

The Snowflake Award

 

I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic.  

My head wakes up long before I do in the mornings; but this morning.. the noise level of my alcoholic thinking was exceptionally loud, and debilitating.  “The itty bitty shitty committee” as some call it, or radio KFUK.

I never hit the snooze on my alarm, and today I almost didn’t make it out of bed.

..

I couldn’t have imaged myself with a steady job, forget about being part of a management team.

I sat in a two hour meeting with my peers, and our consultant (an amazingly brilliant human whose words I hang onto for the nectar of taught fruits, a man whose equally amazing and brilliant son used to hold my seat in the company until his relapse, accidental overdose, and death, just six months ago) presented me with an award.

Taking a compliment from this person I respect is one thing, but receiving this sort of recognition for my work ethic is something else.

Money can present a sense of acknowledgement sometimes; this just feels like a real accomplishment.

It’s personal.

I get paid to be myself.  

What the fuck?

I also get paid to learn, hang out with other alcoholics, and lead by example.

Again, what the fuck?

I’m the lead learner.

[ And I thought I hated school. ]

..

The reward I feel, is esteem I didn’t have before.

“Suit up and show up.” -Anonymous

For the next 30 days, I will honor being the first “Snowflake of the Month”.

And then I’ll pass it on.

Proud,

“Swim Good” -Frank Ocean

I’m the opposite of who I think I am.

I’d like to be romantic, insightful, and funny for all of my days.

It’s been months of darkness, cigarettes, and confusion for me.

My light isn’t out, it’s dim.. 

Holding still that space of hope.

Hope that it’ll be okay.

At this point it’s not hope that she’ll come back to me.

It’s hope that I won’t drop dead from heartbreak.

The pain is excruciating.

The strength of my memories hurt me most.

I hurt me most.

Attachment to thoughts.

Who will I eat tacos with?

I am the victim.

Who will watch the previews before a film and quietly decide if she’d like to see that movie with me or not?

Self-pity.

Who will I make out with as people leave the elevator and the doors close leaving us passionately together?

Fear of dying alone.

“Your mind is out of its mind.” -Rev Michael

Turn within and you won’t go without.

Great.

Thanks,

 

“Everywhere you go, there you are.” -Anonymous

she called me

ocean eyes

depth

she said

I had it

go deeper

she said

hurt me because I feel nothing

levels unexplored

bluer than blue

because of you

great sadness

she said

freedom from the grip

we needed

and let me go

afloat on my back

life preserver

life shatterer

not holding my breath

I say

see diving

I must

just a sea

without you

shipwrecked

into safety

ashore

assure

she says nothing

anchored

soul

mate

check

“The spiritual part of the program is like the wet part of the ocean.” -Anonymous

captain gravitate

MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

“everything means nothing if I ain’t got you”

dear god,

this one’s for you.

best,

Jj

STORY OF MY LIFE